Control & Consent

Those of you that follow my blog or read my stories will know that, apart from some pretty explicit sex, a strong component in them is BDSM. Bondage, domination, submission, and masochism is pretty much a fringe fetish that a certain recent novel blew into the mainstream.

So what’s the attraction to bondage, you might ask?

Well personally, I love being tied up. I love the loss of control and the level of trust it requires. Indeed it has been shown that in couples that share a fetish, that link deepens the bond between them. Certainly I enjoy a level of trust with my partner that is deeper than I’ve had with any other lover.

Together with the level of trust there’s also the loss of control, which I think is really important. We all have desires that we don’t act on, that we suppress. This is a good thing, in many cases. But sometimes we suppress feelings that it might be good to express, and I’ve found BDSM is a great way of releasing these valves. Because you are controlled, following orders, or restrained, you have no choice about what is going on and instead can enjoy the experience. The submissive is doing what they are told, it’s not their responsibility. In a very strange way, the bondage can make you free.

Of course this can go to extremes where it does become dangerous, and that brings in the other aspect that is so important: Consent. One aspect of my stories I don’t compromise on is that consent is always pivotal to what happens. I know other writers who sail past that line, and that’s cool if that’s your style, but I don’t have rape-fantasies and I don’t want to encourage anyone to do anything harmful to anyone. Of course “harmful” in this case means anything they don’t want to happen; some people love being spanked or otherwise punished physically and that’s fine if that’s what they want.

It’s not fine if they don’t; that’s when fun becomes abuse. That’s why there are often safe-words in my stories, and why when my partner and I play, we still have them. Some couples have entire codes to express how they are feeling – to let their partner know that they are enjoying themselves, or that they are OK, or that they want to stop. A lot can also depend on how you feel at the time; I for one don’t always feel like being tied up. Sometimes I like the crazy flavours…sometimes vanilla is what I feel like.

For us it’s romance. For others, it’s fantasy. But for everyone it should be fun.

Romance (really!)

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